the realization

Posted: April 18, 2011 in meditation, Uncategorized

I was kinda depressed last night because I have serious problems with my faith. And I really need someone to talk to and see if my way of thinking is right. So, I went out with the Queen. She got me to talk about what’s inside my head and heart and she made me realized that I am not just being paranoid but I am doing something wrong.

And that something wrong is I think, God should give what I want because I am being too good these days. And that is wrong, because for the first time in my life, I am becoming impatient and dissatisfied of His plans for me. And that is wrong. I should be just calm and just be patient, do the things I am supposed to do while waiting and praying patiently until He answers my prayers.

I am disgusted with myself because how can I even be impatient right now?! How can I be?! When from the very start of my life, God has given me everything I wanted and needed in the right time and in the right place. Sometimes, He also give me the best surprises in life so how can I even be impatient?!

Maybe it’s because, I get too really emotional these days with what’s happening in my _____. I pressure myself too much and yes, I admit now, I always ask Him – WHEN?! WHEN?! WHEN?!

Maybe that is why, I can’t feel Him these days. Even if I pray a lot, do good things. I still can’t feel Him by my side and I miss Him so much because I think, I am all alone in this journey. But, I guess the Queen is right, maybe God is testing my limits. And so, I decided to just stay calm and be simple and be just like the old days of my youth when I don’t worry about anything…when I just study and study…when I really don’t care about people talking behind my back because I am a nerd…because for me, nothing else mattered because I already prayed to God and I trust that someday, He will answer my prayers.


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